For many years I suffered from what I called “creative constipation” or the inability to express myself creatively.
I believe I can attribute SOME of this stifling of my creative power to being in careers like the military and law enforcement that value conformity and rigid standards or parameters.
But if I’m being honest, I think I purposely SOUGHT OUT such masculine-energy environments so I COULD HIDE AND AVOID my creative expression because I didn’t trust my own voice.
This lack of trust in my own creative ability caused me to over-value external structure and under-value MY OWN VOICE.
But I kept craving to be heard.
Not the identity I had through a job or even as a brand-new entrepreneur.
Not the roles I played in life or what I could do for others or what I was just merely GOOD or competent at.
The “me” that knew I was a creation of the universe and extension of source energy and didn’t need to DO anything to be loved.
Something inside me started to rebel and call for healing.
The strangest, most sacred, kind of healing. The kind where I didn’t even realize I was wounded because I had been numb for so long covered in layers and layers of hidden agreements.
The inner child that was socially conditioned to “be the good child” so I could “earn” love was PISSED that she had bought into all of these hidden agreements.
WHO SAID I had to DO anything to be deserving of what I want? WHO SAID I didn’t have the right to want what I want? WHO SAID it wasn’t safe to be me or that I couldn’t claim my power and my voice?
And WHY would I AGREE to any such things?!
These domestications and hidden agreements (Taught by who? Inherited ancestrally?) told me that I was inherently unworthy of creating and manifesting through my own choices.
These hidden agreements have kept me in scarcity for too long.
These hidden agreements were the reason I’ve doubted all of my choices and have been afraid of my true voice.
I was taught (or CHOSE to buy into the BELIEF) that it was not trustworthy to RECEIVE just for BEING.
Caroline Myss says in her book, Anatomy of the Spirit,
“Our faith and our power of choice are, in fact, the power of creation itself. We are the vessels through which energy becomes matter in this life.”
These words brought me to an epiphany.
If we doubt our inherent worthiness we will never trust what we create. And we cannot be effective conscious creators until we trust our choices.
If this spiritual lesson is coming into your consciousness like it has for me, you will find yourself in situations time and time again where you feel either stuck and unable to make a choice or you will be unable to step into action or bring what you want into fruition because you’re afraid to actually want it.
On the surface, people without this dysfunctional energetic pattern won’t really see what the big deal is.
They’ll say you’re getting in your own way and all you need to do is just uncover all of the hidden agreements that taught you not to trust yourself and then voila!….. It’s truly as simple as DECIDING to choose what we really want and believe we can create it.
Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy.
Saying that just now actually annoyed the hell out of me.
While it is simply an energetic choice to DECIDE, it often is not a simple decision.
If we are going to stifle any voice at all let it be the Inner Judge.
Go easy on yourself.
Finding your voice happens when you renege on all the old hidden agreements that told you to stifle it (insert Archie Bunker soundbite here) in the first place.
Every moment you felt doubt in the past and you said “no” to your creative power, choose “yes” instead.
That’s what it means to DECIDE.