So I’m still struggling with depression but I’m still functioning. I’m making myself get out of bed. I make myself take daily walks. Staying busy with mundane tasks soothes my brain.
It really is a pain in the ass dealing with depression. It just robs me of so much (like I’m some victim snort) but more importantly, it’s robbing the world of what I have to give.
It’s got me questioning WHAT I have to give if anything at all.
It makes me feel like a taker, not a giver.
It has me questioning the choice of my thoughts-like “Is it my fault I’m feeling so negative if I seem to have low neurotransmitters? Or do I have low neurotransmitters because of my negative thoughts?”
It causes physical stress in my body (which apparently leads to procrastination-thanks for that tidbit Mel Robbins)
And then so much doubt, doubt, doubt.
Doubt about every thought I’m thinking.
Doubt about my capabilities to show up.
Doubt about my purpose.
Doubt about my sanity and stability and credibility.
I was reading some memes from Heatherash Amara on Facebook and just feeling like they spoke to my soul and conversely jealous or envious because she was saying the things I feel like I’m SUPPOSED to say-like what’s trapped inside me. Like what I’d be saying if I wasn’t stuck under this deep depression.
I hate feeling like a whiny bitch.
Like I’m a victim of depression and something is being done TO ME.
I thought this thought reading Heatherash’s stuff-
I need to be more LOVING to myself.
I’m not going to be able to SHAME my way out of depression.
How would I treat myself-what would I say if I was speaking to myself as if I was precious and beloved?
That is the million dollar question.
I feel in a way that this is all a test.
Not a pass or fail but yet another experience to uplevel through and use as a tool.
If I were to say what my clear mission is it would be to take someone like me who feels this greatness trapped within and get them unstuck and guide them through the murky ascension of their soul.
It’s not all roses and butterflies.
Sometimes there’s some deep, yucky shit that felt like shit going IN and feels like shit going OUT.
I’m having the COURAGE to trust the process. I have to let it rise to the surface and float off-let it go.
That’s the key-don’t hold onto it.
Who am I now that I arrive at a familiar place but face it with different eyes, different energy, a different heart?
So how would I treat myself as if I were precious and beloved?
I would HOLD SPACE AND WITNESS my processing with non-judgment and LOVE. I would not berate myself.
I would KNOW that I am precious and beloved.
Let that knowing seep into my bones.
Many of us who spend time numbing ourselves-with busyness, food, electronics etc.- it’s this very pain or dark night of the soul that we seek to AVOID.
But the thing is the NUMBING makes the pain that much more exquisite when you let your deep feelings come back to LIFE.
It takes COURAGE from the soul-the spirit-to move you through the overwhelming sensation.
I realize now that the “mind” can’t help me.
It’s the spirit that makes me move when I interrupt my mind (5-4-3-2-1 go! Again thanks, Mel Robbins).
My MIND wants me to listen to my FEELINGS (how ironic) that tell me, “I don’t feel like it.”
But my spirit KNOWS there are things I HAVE to do when I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT to carry me to a place I’m supposed to be to evolve my soul, to heal, to move from darkness to light.
To me, this is the mystery of GRACE.
This is the force that beats your heart and grows the grass beneath our feet.
This is life and it is precious and beloved.
Just like me. Just like you.