Decide How You Feel About Someone No Matter What They Do
This is one of my favorite Abraham Hicks principles as of late.
Your kids, romantic partners etc. can get under your skin and push all your buttons (and YOU’RE the one putting those buttons out there saying “Push me! I dare you!” But that’s another topic for another time….).
The thing is it can feel like you have no control over the situation if your moods and feelings are dictated by their actions. You’re not at their mercy if you’ve decided ahead of time “I’m going to love you unconditionally no matter what”. Conditional love, after all, is “Well, I only love you if you behave well in public and don’t embarrass me” or “I only love you if you’re available at all times and answer the phone whenever I call.
If you get good at feeling good eventually you’ll see who habitually DOESNT make you feel good and naturally you’ll stop making contact with them. No grand declaration just be UNAVAILABLE. People without boundaries find the concept of “unavailability” infuriating. A person with a good sense of self will respect and totally understand your need for extreme self-care and the boundaries you set.
Now if you’re chronically unavailable this is a whole other issue-emotional unavailability- which in my opinion is just a symptom of a person who doesn’t know how to be present for themselves never mind another person. If your internal world is chaos, the idea of “showing up” in life for another is at best annoying and at worst a feeling of total engulfment (psychology majors remember this term).
“Fear of engulfment: The loss of self through being controlled, consumed, invaded, suffocated, dominated, and swallowed up by another.”
Thank you Inner bonding.com for this definition.
Realize that when others “hurt” you it is their pain in them showing up and only your reaction to it.
Everything always boils down to how you “react” to life. Except there are people who are on their own vibrational wavelength that they don’t “react” to life- they create ACTION in life and that’s the energy they live in.
They don’t live vicariously. Others end up living vicariously from them. It’s what I refer to as psychological equilibrium (thank you Sherry Argov).
It’s the difference in worrying about the wave instead of surfing or wobbling on your bike in training wheels and actually learning to ride. It’s not the board or the bike that you care about anymore. It’s the feeling of your face in the wind that matters.
I think this reaction/action dynamic is also tied up in the psychological phenomenon that I have coined “Toddler Terror”. Remember as a toddler wanting to explore your world-and sometimes you did-until you suddenly looked around and went “Where’s everybody else? Mom!!!!!”?
Well, I think we STILL do that. We believe if we venture off into our own interests we’ll get (God Forbid) LEFT BEHIND while everyone else went on there own merry way. So we run back to the crowd to follow it (typically lead by one who is in Action Mode) and get stuck in vicarious mediocrity out of fear.
This is a crappy place to be. When you realize you’re not living your own life but just reacting to others around you this can be a very powerful lesson. Come into your own sense of self. Make magic in your own life. Don’t wait for someone else to make your life magical. That’s how we get stuck on attachments that aren’t healthy for us.
To quote one of my favorite relationship experts again, Sherry Argov says:
“As Gregory Corso said, “Standing on a street corner waiting for no one is power.” When you don’t wait for anyone, it’s because you don’t NEED anyone.”
That doesn’t mean you don’t WANT anyone. There is a VAST difference in WANT and NEED and when your happiness is controlled only by YOU, little old YOU gets to decide at any moment how you feel about someone else regardless of what they do.
If you want to be happy-and I don’t care what anybody says the ONLY motivation anyone has to do ANYTHING is to FEEL GOOD – then decide right this moment that you are in control of you and how you feel about the people in your life that matter.
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