It’s okay if other people don’t understand your journey of abandonment.
In fact, nearly every rite of passage in life requires breaking away from tribe mind and seeking the wisdom of the Higher Self.
Sometimes when we embark on a healing journey we thwart ourselves because we don’t know how to direct our love and compassion within.
Especially if you have unresolved childhood abandonment wounds to heal. And nearly all of us have this. Birth itself is trauma. The first separation. The first abandonment.
This is the phenomenon of self-abandonment.
If you are familiar with David R. Hawkins’ book “Power Vs. Force” he outlines the Map of Consciousness (see picture below) and this is the basis for empowerment coaching. Helping you move through the different levels of emotion from shame to enlightenment.
I realized on my own journey of healing the abandonment wound I was “stuck” in the emotional range of apathy which is right above guilt and shame.
Apathy is the place you go when you just want to be numb and power through all the pain.
Apathy is where you hang out when you chase against “being a victim”.
This was me for YEARS.
I used to say “how can I miss something I’ve never had?”
I was seriously numb to my biological father’s absence.
Numbness is protection from grief which is the next step on the map of consciousness.
Many who are experiencing the abandonment wound cannot tap into the GRIEF of abandonment. It would annihilate any sense of (false) self but truthfully it is a very disempowered place to stay stuck.
In order to heal and overcome self-abandonment and heal the abandonment wound, we must first be brave enough to accept our victimhood.
You are not meant to stay in a state of victimhood but you must first ACKNOWLEDGE it before it can be released.
This acknowledgment and release requires holding space for yourself with love and compassion.
The Real Self (Higher Self) already knows we are love and light so in order to reparent ourselves we must witness and hold space for ourselves from this bird’s eye place.
In my latest shamanic journey, I was in the wolf’s body running ecstatically through the forest in the dark (the urge to do this pulled me from my attention to my spirit guide a medicine woman named Nana). I felt it symbolized my tendency to give in to childish urges (self-abandon) in the face of expectations from Self or others.
So as I run ecstatically in the forest I suddenly reach the edge of a cliff and seamlessly transform into a raven flying among the stars and the message I got was to release judgment of self and others and take the “bird’s eye view” of the Higher Self.
In Empowerment Coaching, we use “parts” of the self (first used by Carl Jung in psychoanalysis and archetypes) to understand where we are on the empowerment journey.
The divine self (the Real Self) knows you are whole and perfect already and it is to this space that the abandonment (wounded) self must return.
When healing the inner child and reparenting the abandoned self I always think of this verse from the Bible.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things.”
-1 Corinthians 13:11
But in order to “put away childish things,” we must first acknowledge the needs of the inner child that never got met.
Every time we self-abandon we re-wound ourselves to get the familiar dopamine hit the original abandonment wound gave us and our reptilian brain becomes addicted to this pattern.
Self-abandonment is the silent wound of the abandoned inner child. The big elephant in the room in our adult lives many of us don’t want to talk about.
We gloss over it in our self-help ventures but how many times do we start projects, sign up for courses, coaching or buy a million books on amazon kindle and never read?
Lack of self-discipline, fear of success, upper limit problems, self-sabotage-these are all BEHAVIORS that have origins in self-abandonment.
These are insidious because on the surface they do not appear to be all that self-destructive just maybe evidence of let’s say laziness or some other personal internal FLAW that if we snapped our fingers (5-4-3-2-1 Go!) we could bypass by interrupting our brains.
It’s easy to intellectualize our BEHAVIOR which is what our Outer Child (thank you, Susan Anderson, for this idea) does to act out the FEELINGS of our inner child.
We focus on the outer BEHAVIOR but don’t address and heal the driving cause behind the actions-the inner child self-abandoning because this is familiar territory.
How can we judge our inner child for self-abandoning when this is all it’s ever known?
This can be heavy, deep work but to a person suffering from the abandonment wound, they have been living with this “noise” in their head their whole life.
It’s kept them from having rewarding, satisfying, healthy relationships with THEMSELVES which then prevents them from having these same relationships with OTHERS.
You CAN put away childish things and heal the abandoned inner child.
Start with holding non-judgmental, loving, compassionate space for yourself so you can be brave to face the grief of your abandoned inner child, acknowledge her, heal her and let her be at peace.
Show up for yourself in this way. It starts here.