Today was one of those days I could feel it. The internal pressure to keep the momentum going, to finish My to-do list, to “get shit done”. Whenever this feeling comes over me I almost instantaneously feel the mommy guilt for not spending time with my child. Tonight, my youngest boy cried because I “couldn’t” play zombie nerf war with him. Okay, I played for a little while but then rushed back to my computer to get right back to work.
And though I HATED feeling that way, I fear inaction worse. For two months I did nothing-NOTHING!-on my business. But to be honest, I had been recovering from the worst case of the flu I’ve ever had in my life (out of work for two weeks). I knew that illness was all fear-based and related to up leveling my consciousness after launching my speaker series. That whole experience birthed me as an entrepreneur and stretched my edges incredibly.
Strangely enough, my illness stretched my edges in another way forcing myself to rest. Except for the first time in my life I understood the concept of ALLOWING myself to rest and actually DELIBERATELY SCHEDULING rest into my “to-do” list. See, for me, at the exact time I SHOULD take time off and rest (my intuition is screaming it) that’s the EXACT time my ego says “We can’t stop now! There’s work to be done” and my anxiety ratchets up a thousand notches.
So, picture this heightened state of anxiety and that’s where I was at today when my boy kept asking, “Mommy, are we going to play zombie nerf war again?”
It’s this scenario that is the perfect opportunity to do something different to get a different result. I wish I could say I turned off the computer right away. Trust me I NEEDED to. I wasn’t being very productive anyway. But….I didn’t stop and in a rare moment of impatience I hollered at my boy and he cried.
Tomorrow I have another crazed-filled to-do-list kind of day but you know what? That’s not what’s most important.
The world isn’t going to stop because I don’t finish my to-do list (it’s way over-ambitious anyways). Tomorrow my goal is to NOT be in that emotional space of egoic striving. My goal is to be present and intimate with the people most important to me especially my youngest son.
Talk about stretching one’s edges….