I want to talk about the evolution of relationships while going through spiritual growth.
Don’t be so afraid of being abandoned by others if you grow and evolve that you abandon yourself.
I used to call this phenomenon “toddler terror”. It harkens back to my Psych 101 days when I was learning about Freud and his attachment theories.
As a parent, I went through the “terrible two’s” with my three boys as they developed their sense of self and started exercising their individuality.
Every toddler has that moment of consciousness where they discover they are their own person and want to explore their world so they slowly creep away from the security of the parent. The “toddler terror” comes in when they creep away just A LITTLE TOO FAR and they can’t see mom or dad anymore and the panic sets in. They want to run back to the comfort of the illusion of security.
This illusion of comfort keeps us “safe” but sometimes clinging to safety can actually HARM us.
Sometimes we worry too much that we’ll leave people behind if we follow our hearts and live true to ourselves. And the truth is, we WILL leave people behind. Certain relationships fall away because it is the natural way of things.
I’ve deliberately let go of one long-term friendship because it only worked for her when I was in a “one down” disempowered place and she could be in a position of superiority.
This became obvious when I started stepping into my power and she kept making small comments warning me not to shine too bright.
Whenever I had major breakthroughs they were often preceded by intense periods of loneliness. Being “alone” is actually easy for me. But gone are the days of going off by ourselves in solitude to seek the soul. That’s not what the new paradigm calls for. The new paradigm calls for a greater understanding of the self as it relates to “US” and honoring one another. But in order to honor one another, we must first know how to honor ourselves.
Connecting and relating to others as I heal the abandoned child within is the path of spiritual growth for me.
I think those with a very strong spiritual evolution in this lifetime often spend the most time alone but those old souls who are used to this path might find this new age of “growth through relationships to others” a bit disconcerting.
Now, the “work” and ascension is in how we relate to others and that means how we express OURSELVES in a relationship with others.
Sometimes that means finally getting the courage to tell people who want to judge or manipulate you or keep you small to keep them comfortable to FUCK OFF. Yeah, I said it. Harsh as it may seem, holding strong boundaries and not tolerating disrespect from others creates SELF-RESPECT.
In this space, you invite in different kind of relationships. It’s in this space in between that we strengthen ourselves the most. I’d rather have no relationship with others than ones that DO NOT HONOR ME.
The problem is when we are too invested in “toddler terror” or being alone in the vast universe and we run back to the safety of relationships that do not honor us.
The past few days I’ve been encountering a lot of opinionated, judgmental and downright toxic people and while I could assign a lot of meaning-making to it (which I’ll admit I started to) I realize they are entering my sphere of perception because I’m MEETING them there. So why am I being available for this you might ask? There’s ALWAYS important lessons in the shadow self.
I have found friendships (especially female friendships) to be very complicated. Mostly because they reflected back to me that it wasn’t safe to be me. When I was my authentic self (or what I thought was my authentic self) others would tell me I was being weird or annoying. So I encountered a lot of bullying and social aggression growing up.
But that bullying caused me to develop a sense of self that deep down didn’t need the approval of others to be OKAY. To me, being okay with the vast wildness of “not being liked” or staying in that space of “toddler terror” and still HONORING myself has brought me the greatest peace.
At the end of the day, to quote Dr. Gilda Carle in her book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”, “Praise and blame are both the same.”
Basically, it shouldn’t matter if people LIKE US or DON’T LIKE US because what others think of us is none of our business.
Honor yourself enough to live in your truth and let the right people match up to that-NOT what you think others want from you so you can feel safe and secure in their approval.
Stay focused on your own energy and where you are going and don’t worry about the opinions of others. Their path is not your path. As long as you remain responsible only for the energy you bring to any situation all things are possible.
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